


Happy Birthday (I Just Wish You Were Here For It)

by Jackie_Boi (DontMindMeImJustAMeme)



Category: Escape the Night (Web Series)
Genre: Emotions™, Etn fics where matt and nikita hate each other? In this economy??? Unrealistic., Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Legends supporting legends, Panic Attacks, Visiting cemetery, Wowie an aftermath story but written really shitty, aftermath AU, nikita isn't okay, stay safe yall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-29 01:43:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18297752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontMindMeImJustAMeme/pseuds/Jackie_Boi
Summary: It's Manny's birthday, and Nikita isn't okay.





	Happy Birthday (I Just Wish You Were Here For It)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CinderScoria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CinderScoria/gifts).



> I guess I'll put at t/w because there is I guess kinda a panic attack during this fic so please be safe

It's the fourth of April, 2019 and it's only two in the morning yet Nikita already wishes for the day to be over.

She lies in bed, curling up in her blankets trying to get warm. She knows she's not going get any sleep tonight just like the previous one, but damn does her bed feel so warm and comforting right now. She just wants to stay there and stare at the ceiling all day because she just isn't ready to face today. She isn't ready to face any day if she was being honest with herself, but that just sounds pathetic, and her mama didn't raise no weakling. She's Nikita fucking Dragun, and nothing can take her down. Even if it does, it won't, because she'll be in denial about it. That's how she handles everything nowadays - just convince yourself there isn't a problem and move on with your life.

But there is a problem, and now Nikita's taking the full force of it.

_Oh, so this is how it's gonna be?_ She thinks to herself. _Bold of you to assume I'm a coward, you bitches_. Then there's a jolt of pain because she is a coward. She avoids everything that even remotely reminds her about that night, the night of the massacre. She can't stand the sight of Jenga or even hear it being said aloud because every time she hears it, she can't stop thinking about how she caused Roi's death. She hates dolls more than ever before because she can't stop associating them with Colleen and her screams. She hates merry-go-rounds, Ferris wheels, funhouses, and just carnivals, period. But the thing that gets her the most is guns. The gleam of the revolver; the way it fits in her hand like it actually belongs to her - like she was destined to kill; it's all too much. No, it's just-

It's too much.

She gets up and gets herself a cup of instant noodles, too tired to whip up something nice. She's been like that a lot lately. Too tired. No matter how much she rests she can never feel energised. She feels like a phone whose battery has been completely worn out, so even on 83% it still dies. God, she hates when that happens, it's so annoying. And you know what? She's so annoying as well. She's not sure how people can stand her because she can't even stand herself. If she were another person and met herself, she'd slap her saying 'bitch shut the _hell_ up'.

As she slurps on her noodles she scrolls through her messages on her phone, making sure there isn't anything important that she needs to know about. But there isn't though. There's the usual 'are you okay?' texts from her friends, or what's left of them, because she has pushed all of them away with her distasteful attitude. Then there's just the random spam that she always gets. She's quit Youtube, so there's nothing there, and she hasn't necessarily been keeping up with her friends lately.

Her thumb lands on Matthew's name and she frowns. Speaking of not keeping up with her friends, she hasn't been talking to Matthew either. And it's funny to her, really, because without knowing where he is 24/7 she starts to get panicky and she hates it. She hates the type of relationship she has with the older man because she can take care of herself dammit. She doesn't need anyone to catch her when she falls. In fact, she never falls and doesn't plan on doing so. There will be no codependency here, sir.

So why does she miss him?

It's something she doesn't want to admit, but she misses him so much it's embarrassing. Shameful. Yet it threatens to tear her heart out, ripping it to shreds and leaving it torn up in the gutter. She thought she locked that damn thing away deep in her chest, but he managed to sneak his way into her heart and he refuses to leave. God dammit, it's so stupid. She wants to forget about him. She wants nothing to do with him because he also reminds her of that night. It's like the word 'Everlock' is carved into everything she saw there. Once again, it's so stupid. Either be at your survival buddy's side and throw away the smallest bit of pride you have left or isolate yourself from them, killing yourself painfully and slowly but never admit it because that's also admitting your weak.

She throws the empty noodle cup away in the trash, also dumping all of her feelings there as well. Dealing with emotions? Really? Ain't nobody got time for that. She looks at the clock on her microwave and sighs. It's still super early in the morning, so that means it's just her and her mind for these next hours. She then looks down at the floor and tenses her shoulders. Since she has all this time left, maybe she can visit Manny. I mean, it's his birthday. Visiting him is the least Nikita can do.

But she's just saying hi and nothing more.

 

  
The cemetery isn't that far away, but for some reason, it feels like it takes forever as if the roads suddenly started stretching. Maybe that's just her intolerance with people, life and their bullshit. She knows she doesn't have any virtues but if she did patience wouldn't be one of them.

She ends up parking under a tree and enters the graveyard through its polished, black gates. The man who looks after the cemetery opens the gates very early in the morning because he knows about Nikita's tendency to always come here. It's small and quaint being reserved for all the Youtubers who have died in the past slaughterings. But now, it's starting to fill up with empty coffins because they can never locate the bodies. It's all an eerie reminder of just how many innocent people have been sacrificed to this cruel game.

No one is here today. Good. She prefers it that way.

She passes Teala's headstone, making her around JC's avoiding Roi's and Colleen's until finally, she comes at a halt in front of Manny's. It's made of polished stone with a silver dove on it. It says 'Passed too early' underneath his name, and some biblical verse that Nikita doesn't bother reading. It sits right between Rosanna's angel gravestone and Safiya's polished black one.

She takes a deep breath and sits down, crossing her legs.

"Hey, Manny..." she begins. God, why is this so hard? She left her heart back at her apartment, so this should be easy. Why is it somehow harder?

She takes another shaky breath and continues. "I know I'm the last person you probably want to see right now. But- " she chokes on her words, tears stinging her eyes. "I just want to say that I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. What I did to you is unforgivable, and there's no excuse. I-I just..."

Everything she had planned to say is thrown out the window as she begins to sob. She shrivels up into a ball and weeps because she can't. She just can't do it. She can't face Manny. Not on his birthday, not on his death day, not on any day. She's hyperventilating too, desperately trying to get the air she lost back into her lungs but she feels nauseous and everything won't stop spinning. She's trembling - has been since she first step foot in the cemetery - but she'll blame it on the cold like she always does, even if she felt too numb to even register it. She has the almost irresistible urge to scream. She will do anything to feel some sort of release from the overwhelming amount of guilt she feels weighing down on her chest. She wants to punch someone in the face, kick a man in the groin, smash some plates, rip up photos, _something_ that will quell this storm raging on in her conscience.

She's a blubbering mess, yet the morning remains sunny. The birds sing and the trees dance in the slight breeze. She hates it. God, she hates it. The sunshine doesn't suit her tears.

Once she's sixty-two per cent sure she won't break down again, she reaches into her pocket for her phone. She yanks it out, her shaking hands fumbling with the 'on' button. She scrolls through her contacts and stops at Matthew's name for the second time today. She stares at it long and hard, contemplating whether it was worth calling her survival buddy.

_He hates you_ , her inner demons snark at her. _Mocking_ her. _He hates you, just like everyone else does. Just like Manny does_.

She swallows the scream that's building up in her throat. Whatever. She's used to getting hated on. If he hates her that's his problem. But she hopes that's not the case. She can't do this without him, no matter how hard she tries to push him away - no matter how hard she tries to deny it like she denies everything.

She sends him a text, because _ew, who the hell calls someone?_

' **matt** '

She bites her lip, trying to figure out how to approach him.

' **I messed everything up** '

When she thinks he won't reply, she is instantly proven wrong as he replies straight away. She wonders what Matthew is doing up so early in the morning.

 

' **how so?** '

 

A pause, and then:

' **I killed him. I killed manny** '

 

' **no you didn't. That wasn't your fault** '

 

Okay, now Nikita's angry because how is it _not_ her fault? She's the one who had to decide between herself and Manny. She's the one who pointed that gun at his chest. She's the one who said 'I love you' as if that justifies her actions. She's the one who pulled the trigger. She's the one who put six rounds in his heart. She's the one who murdered someone so she could live. And that someone was her best friend. 

' **I don't think you understand. For everyone else, they had been killed by the carnival masters homeboys, but manny is different. IM the one who shot him. IM the one who killed him. Him and colleen both. Now tell me again that it's not my fault?** '

She's probably coming off as being bratty, but she doesn't care. All she knows is that she's a stone-cold murder. A motherfucking _murderer_.

 

' **Is it okay if I call you?** '

 

Huh. That's weird. Doesn't Matthew hate phone calls? When Nikita finally thinks she knows the guy he does something like this. And you know what? Nikita hates phone calls too. They are absolutely horrible, _like come on sweetie, just text me. Nobody does phone calls anymore._

But she misses hearing his voice.

' **ok** '

Her phone then vibrates, and she's grateful that he's the one calling her and not the other way around. She brings her phone to her ear, still trembling. Her heartbeat accelerates again and suddenly she beginning to regret this. Matthew's a nice guy and he means well, but sometimes he isn't what Nikita needs because he's just as messed up as she is. He's broken in a similar way, but different enough to make Nikita feel like she can't understand him. Well, he _did_  literally die, so that's probably why. But still. Sometimes it feels like there is an ocean between herself and him.

Matthew's voice is steady when he talks because he knows that Nikita hates it when people treat her like she'll break. Still, it's full-hearted, a hint of compassion for his survival buddy in his words as he says "Nikita, listen. What happened to Manny isn't your fault. The cards were not in your favour. Literally."

Nikita just feels numb now. "I should have killed myself."

"Do you think Manny would have wanted that?" he says. "Do you really believe that Manny would want to be here with you gone? Come on, we both know that isn't true, is it?"

"Were you not there yourself?" Nikita snaps. "Did you not hear his last words? Did you not see the way he looked at me?"

Based on Matthew's silence, Nikita believes she finally shut him up. Hopefully, she shut him up because she can't take it. She can't accept his kindness.

"Girl, listen to me, " and Nikita cringes because that kind of lingo just doesn't sound natural coming from him. He's too much of a dad. "Those death challenges were sick and twisted and you know it. Remember when I voted JC in? He picked me to fight for him. Me, of all people. Then I lost and he died- " Matthew's voice falters at those words, "but that doesn't make me a murderer. On the days when I'm thinking straight, I know this. But sometimes, on bad, horrible, days, I tend to forget these things, and I think you do too. But hey, I won't pretend to know what you're feeling or thinking. After all, we all experience and process trauma differently, that's just how our brains work. But, you got to believe me when I say it's not your fault. Okay?"

Nikita breathes in and out before saying "okay."

"Do you need anything?"

"No, I'm gonna be okay now."

"Good." He waits a moment before saying "So, do you want to... Y'know... Hang out someday? Of course, you don't have too, but I just..." he pauses and then laughs. "I gotta be honest, I miss you. It's been like, what? Three weeks since we last talked? I'd be nice to just hang out as friends and not survivors of massacres for one day. So are you up to it?"

She raises an eyebrow at this request but accepts his offer anyway. "But only if you promise me not to ruin my childhood, " she adds.

He tries to repress a snicker but fails horribly. "Can't say I'll be able to keep that promise, but I'll try."

"Sounds fake, but okay."

He laughs some more, and she grins as well. They converse for a short while before they both agree that they have work to do. He hangs up, and Nikita puts her phone away back into her pocket. She gazes at Manny's headstone one last time today before leaving the cemetery and walks over to her car.

So she isn't fine, but now she thinks she finally gets it. She's not okay, but that's okay, and she needs to accept that. She's not okay, but she will be.

She looks back at the cemetery gates. Yeah, she will be.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Anyways this is a gift for Jas because I heard they were sick I want to try and cheer them up because I absolutely *adore* their works. Healing (isn't) Linear? I eat that shit up. Once more with feeling? Gimme that angsty goodness. Comfort is a noun? I owe you my life. So I wanted to something nice so here is my crappy writing :D


End file.
